Dog-training book

This is what I think of the “waiting for treats” book…I call it that because as soon as this terrible book showed up in my home, my owner would carry around a pocket full of Liver Snaps and make me wait in one spot for what seemed like eternity until he’d shout “come”! Needless to say, I don’t wait for my snacks anymore.  Looks like “come” will be the one waiting…

 

Carly Simon’s Greatest Hits Among Other Light Rock CD’s

My owner’s music is simply terrible. I think track 2 here says it best: “You’re So Vain.” While going for drives in our truck, people think it’s precious that an 80 lb. dog has his head hangin’ out the passenger’s seat window enjoying the summer wind in his face; little do they know that it’s solely to escape the lame Lilith Fair torture he has blasting on his two-dollar stereo. I think AC/DC summed it up best, “dirty deeds done dirt cheap.” Enough said.

 

Woman’s Shoe

Who was that my owner brought into our home last night? She smelled like lilac trees, spoke to me in that cute dog voice and liked to scratch my ears and belly. That one is a true keeper. To show my appreciation of her affection I’ll have to execute my one great skill that I’ve perfected over the years. Upon seeing the results of my sparkling talent she must have been a bit overwhelmed, seeing as she quickly hobbled out the front door. I sure do like lilac smell, I hope she comes back soon for a Gus-visit.

 

Vintage Eddie Money Tee Shirt

Just like my owner’s favorite shirt reads from Ed’s ’83 self-titled album, I have “NO CONTROL.” This was not a happy day for anyone. I had to fight the urge all afternoon, but my owner had left me alone and I couldn’t find my bone, ball or any lonely socks to keep me busy, and the shirt was looking so tasty sitting on top of the heaping hamper. I thought to myself just “Hold On” but, I was “Shakin'” as it seemed to taunt me endlessly. So, I ate a huge gaping hole out of the back. “Just like Ronnie sang”. “I Can’t Hold Back”. Sometimes this copy writes itself…

 

Wallet

I’m not sure who all these old suspicious looking men printed on all these little rectangular papers are in this smelly pouch, but for some reason when my owner goes to No-Gus-Allowed places he needs to bring them with him. Hey, little paper men, I’ve got somewhere special to show you, and hold on, it’s a hell of a dark winding ride. And you’re going to love the finale 24 to 36 hours from now.

 

Money Clip

Same formula, different day. Actually, in all honesty, the next day.

 

Smoked Salmon

There are all kinds of great smells…Mrs. Keller’s Famous Italian Beef cooking in the Crock Pot, Wisconsin brats grilling over the fire pit at my owner’s friend’s farm, literally anything deep fried at a Chicago streetfest and of course, lady-dog butts.  But I have to tell you; nothing fills my home better than the fresh smells of smoked salmon. I’ll take the verbal scolding on this one, a dinner party with smoked salmon as an appetizer on the low kitchen table doesn’t have a prayer of living through this night.

 

Thanksgiving Leftovers

Oh, yeah… these smelled pretty good too…

 

Jabba The Hutt

This is why dogs dig holes. Look at the sweet treasure I found buried in my front yard: vintage Star Wars, man. Yeah, it now has a few chew marks on it, but trust me, you can still get a pretty penny for this on EBay. My owner can thank me later when he takes his newly acquired funds and resods my lawn. That way I can dig up new priceless finds. I know it’s a vicious cycle, but I feel it’s worth it.

 

Shotgun Shell

This may be one of the many reasons I couldn’t hack the life of a true hunting dog. I guess you’re not supposed to chew the ammo because they have explosives in them. Thank goodness this was only an empty hull, Phew!

 

Halloween Wrestling Mask

My owner is out of town and I’m staying with redhead friend’s family for the weekend. I don’t know what redhead friend was trying to pull off here but it wasn’t going to happen. He spent half an hour trying to get this thing over my head to take a picture. You’re guess is as good as mine, but just when he though he had it all figured out I ran straight through his kitchen screen door and ripped in half in his backyard so he’d leave me alone…

 

Halloween Candy

The doorbell will not stop ringing this afternoon at redhead friend’s house. Every time it does he brings out a large bowl for all these oddly dressed little people on the porch to grab from. I wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about until I inspected that bowl myself. To my surprise inside was a tasty Dog Buffet! Thank you, thank you, redhead friend. I forgive you for trying to wrap that weird thing around my head this morning.

 

Taco Cheese

My owner invited our neighbors over for Taco Tuesday tonight. That’s fine by me seeing my lady-friend Mila, the Black Lab lives with them. So, there we were sitting side by side on the hardwood kitchen floor intently focused on the simmering ground beef in the frying pan, when she dared me to grab the shredded cheese from the counter top…Trust me, it wasn’t a 101 Dalmatians pasta sharing moment as the two of us ripped through that bag within seconds. Sorry guys, throw some Manwich in that pan, looks like you’re eating Sloppy Joes tonight.

 

Spatula

What can I say? The plastic spatula from the frying pan came down from the counter top too… Dessert anyone?

 

Hula Girl

Look No Hands!

 

Slipper

Is this a chew toy? It sure looks like a toy. it’s about the right size, it has funny tassels. oh, and sooo soft. I wonder what it tastes like. maybe I’ll have just a little lick.. not bad.I’m going to take a gamble and assume this is a gift for me because I’ve behaved so well the last 23 minutes. Let’s show this toy what I’m made of.

 

Grass

Man, do I love eating grass. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a field horse or cow. Trust me, they’ve got it made. One time I ate so much grass that my owner had to rush me to the dog hospital because I had a 104.5-degree fever. That was an interesting day. Maybe when I’m a cow, I’ll work on learning from my own mistakes.

 

Unidentifiable Blue Plastic Thing

Sometimes you got to keep them on their toes. Maybe it’s a 2-liter bottle top, a Bic pen cap? Maybe it’s the “enter” key off the DVD remote or a delinquent Smurf that tried to pull a B & E on my home? Sorry to say the world will never know.

 

Pillow

If there’s one thing I can always count on to make a statement, it would be the total destruction of pillows. They’re like soft, beautiful Cracker Jack boxes, but I always know what the prize is.”white puffy fun.” Sometimes my owner leaves me and goes to “No Gus Allowed” places. Those days give me plenty of time to scope out my favorite color pillow for the evening, strategically plan my method of attack and feverishly get to work. I like to spread the white puffy fun all over our house to show my owner what a good job I can do fishing out the entire prize. He’s always surprised when he gets home, probably proud that I’m doing such a knock-up job perfecting my craft.
Saturday Night Live Best of Chris Farley.

Two words: “Belushi Rip-off.” Next.

 

Pacifier

There was a baby attached to this, but I ate him…

I’m kidding of course, though this was a sweet snatch from a stroller in the park…

 

Right Shoe

You put your right shoe in; you put your right shoe out. You put your right shoe in and you shake it all about.

 

Left Shoe

You put your left shoe in; you put your left shoe out. You put your left shoe in and you shake it all about… My owner is the real hokey-pokey. After all these years: You leave your stuff out, you accept the consequences of my actions.

 

Finch

Sniffing out half-eaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts is my second favorite thing to do while going for walks, but number one has got to be chasing birds. I don’t know if it’s their little struttin’ hustler walk, their smug, ostentatious grins, or my own issues with flight envy. Right after my owner rescued me from that caged metal hell, I aimed to please him by showing that I “wasn’t no bird dog slouch.” We were walking by a grade school right before the morning bell when I spotted a winged demon out of the corner of my eye. I took four bounding steps, jumped straight up in the air and caught that nasty bird right out of the sky. I expected a more positive response from my owner, not to mention the frightened parents that walked by. I guess people will have to get used to my mad bird dog skills.

 

Chocolate Bar Wrapper

Dogs die from eating chocolate, I say, Bah. One fully consumed chocolate bar and slept through breakfast, quick phone Myth Busters.

 

Tools

What can I say.anything with a rubber handle should and will be destroyed. I am the Craftsman & Stanley terminator.

 

Kong

So, I’d chalked up so many chew toys my owner had to pull out a 2nd mortgage to support my RDA (Rubber Destruction Addiction). He thought he had the “problem” solved when he bought my first so-called “Indestructible Chew Toy”, called The Kong. We’ll just say this — anything with a peanut butter cookie inside it that I can see, hear and smell will simply not last in my home. Period. Good luck, nice try.. next.

 

George Foreman Grease Catch

My owner just cooked and ate dinner and then quickly fell asleep on the couch. Usually when this happens I’d just quietly hoist myself onto the dining room table and help inaugurate him to the Clean Plate Club. But this is one of those rare days I need to use my crafty ways to get onto the high kitchen counter, seeing I can smell the real prize is up top waiting for me. I’d love to trust you with my secret but not even my owner can figure it out when he comes barreling into the kitchen and catches me sprawled out on my stomach just finishing the ultimate treasure.

 

Disk Golf Disk

While on summer vacation in Vail, Colorado my owner and his friends play disk golf at the mountaintop course. I’m not sure of all the rules, but basically I believe that you’re to throw a rubber Frisbee as far as you can to a metal cage representing a golf hole. I, in the meantime, am supposed to grab it mid-air, then run half way down the mountain and chew as much of it as possible before my owner can catch up to me. This year we only played one of 18 holes. I give this game 3-½ stars and a solid 4 to the face of the disk rental lady when we checked out.

 

Frisbee

I think the rules for this game are pretty similar to that of disk golf, only my owner tries to throw to his friend. This time, I grab the Frisbee out of the grass, then run through downtown Vail Village while, of course, a chase ensue and I find a public water fountain to lie in while I destroy my owner’s toy. All in all, good times.

 

Retractable Leash

“The Nemesis” is my Lex Luthor. I wouldn’t say kryptonite because, as you can see, this is how I treat the Nemesis. This is an actual picture of the first one. I don’t think we even made it out of the house. after I was done with a simple snap through the lead, I chewed on it’s rubber base for good measure.

 

Nylon Leash

This “Nemesis” appears to be a bit more of a challenge, not like the ridiculous 29 dollar joke he used yesterday. So, there we are walking through the park and my owner bumps into someone he’s obviously not seen in years. Does he not realize that I need to go sit in that public water fountain over there? Well, if you’re not going to pay attention, I’ll take matters in my own hands and/or mouth. You just let me know when you want to head home for dinner. Oh and by the way, nice knot, you hobo.

 

Gentle Leader Leash

What the hell is this? Is this some kind of sick joke? A “Nemesis” that goes around my head and muzzle.You might as well buy stock in this company, seeing this marks three this week. Next.

 

Bird Dog Bay’s Launch Party Invitation

It seems my owner was out really late last night at some fancy party and the one individual that should have been invited wasn’t. We’ll guess what, I’ve got a little launch party gift for you it’s called: We’re going for a walk at a quarter to 5 tomorrow morning. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about your RSVP list. Sweet dreams, at least for the next 4 hours until I push you out of bed and onto the floor.

 

Bed Pillow

Pillows? We don’t need no stinkin’ pillows!

 

Dead Fish

My owner and I go to Chicago’s North Avenue Beach, a lot. It’s one of the only places, besides our yard, that I can run free of my ultimate nemesis, “The Leash”. Whether it’s playing ice water fetch, sniffin’ butts of lady dogs, or diggin’ huge sand holes for no apparent reason, it’s safe to say it’s my favorite of all places. On a rare occasion a “chase me” washes ashore; and let me tell ya’, there’s nothing like a smelly, fourteen-pound “chase me” in your mouth to get the party started. Whether it’s the other dogs, their owners, the parents of the crying children, everyone wants a piece of my “chase me”. But they wouldn’t get it ever. Out here they call me “The Sand” as in Sanders — the Barry Sanders of the beach. Watch me spin, roll, duck and pivot…oh, and lady, watch out for that three-foot hole I dug earlier.

 

Garden Hose

This is by far the greatest dog toy ever manufactured. You can chew through as much of this thirty-foot rubber tube as you want, all the while basking in the summer sun, and, at least once a day, drinking water still continues to come of out the end. What a world!

 

Giant Sugar Filled Pixie Sticks

Is this the indoor version of greatest dog toy ever invented I just mentioned above? Though it doesn’t have drinking water inside, it does have some kind of powder substance that makes my teeth tingle, and, for some reason, I haven’t slept in a day and a half, seeing as I’ve been busy trying to catch my tail.

 

Sand

I thought I had a huge breakthrough the other day. After the mind-bending, teeth-tingling toy from last week, I’ve come to the conclusion that the sand at my beach is nothing more than that very same material that was inside that plastic tube from my last entry. My owner had been chatting up some other dog owners so I ate as much sand or as I like to call it, “tail chaser meds” as I could. Though it didn’t have the same effects, it mainly just gave me a terrible stomachache, as I pooped sand castles for 3 days.

 

Tennis Balls

They’re round, they’re rubber and they seem to grow out of the floorboard of my home. Let’s just say this — if you were to consolidate all the little lime green pieces of fabric I’ve created over the past two years, you could wall-to-wall carpet my home.

 

Bird Dog Bay Catalog

I plead the 5th.

 

#2 Pencil

I thought I could give my owner a hand with some of the illustrating around here, though I don’t believe it’s my cup of tea. If you don’t mind, I’ll stick to excessive drooling, diggin’ holes in our hardwood floors and lying in the mud underneath the front porch.

 

1″ x 2″ Lumber

Yeah, sorry to say, I don’t think I can assist with the carpentry either…

 

Seagull

Also at the beach, there are plenty of these rodents of the sky squawking four letter words on a Sunday morning as they use aerial swooping techniques, taunting me endlessly. There was a beginning and an end to those shenanigans when I caught one of those foul-mouthed devils, It’s a good thing, too, because earlier that week he was braggin’ to his friends that he was about to import in a special flu to the patrons of my beach. One down.

 

Ants

I don’t know what the hell these are, maybe they’re really small birds, I wouldn’t be surprised, seeing they’ve got that same pompous, showboat grin. Until they straighten up their act, I will continue to eat them as much as possible.

 

Doormat

Really? You can’t expect me to lounge on this all day and not get curious. Why even replace these? You simply will not learn. Birds of a feather, I guess.

 

Next Week’s Doormat

Case in point.

 

Muffin

I have one rule: Don’t tie me to the street lamp outside the coffee shop. After all this time, why today do you think it’s okay to leave me outside Half & Half to fend for myself. There is a first and last for this situation. While you’re busy inside chattin’ it up with Maggie the treat girl, I’ll be busy snatch-grabbin’ food out of patrons’ hands as they leave her shop. Sorry that I ingested your four-dollar pecan muffin, sir. it’s a jungle out here. You never know when the cobra will strike..

 

Wooden Coat Toggle

Granted, I’m a hell of a juggler, but most of my magic tricks revolve around the disappearance of my owner’s favorite things. Here, we have what’s left of one of the wooden fasters for his winter coat he wears when we go for long walks in the snow. Poof! And you’re down to three.

 

Grasshopper

Hop. Hop. Hop. Chomp. Stupid green baby birds.

 

Two Defrosted Porter House Steaks

It’s Grillin’ Season! No, please don’t worry about me; I’ll start without you.

 

Belt

Oops…was this yours?

 

Playboy Magazine

It sure is late. my owner is asleep. no one to play with. I’m bored. what to do. what to do. maybe I’ll chew on this for a while. Damn! Is that Carmen Electra with a stratocaster!? Not smart. not smart at all. Let’s just kick that back under the bed where I found it.

 

Book

I don’t know what’s funnier – you trying to read the last three chapters of this “interfering-with-Gus-play-time” or the fact that you returned it to the Chicago Public Library when we got back from vacation.

 

Genuine Costa Rican Fanny Pincher

Sometimes my owner’s friends bring me prizes from their vacations solely to watch me showcase my mad skills. Hey, smelly-redheaded-friend, this one’s for you.

 

Handmade Dog Bed

Another generous gift from one of my owner’s friends. I appreciate the thought, giant-head friend, but who in their right mind could take in a nap on this seizure-inducing mistake? I’ll stick to my big cozy bed upstairs in my bedroom that I let my owner sleep in.

 

Pelican

Hold on! Don’t get your hackles in a bind – this is strictly “wish list”. I can tell from the “my stink don’t smell” smile that it’s a bird. I’ve never seen one just like this, but I’m hoping to chalk one up on my list. If any of you can help me locate one of these flying demons, please shoot me an email.

 

Rubber Ducky

Happy pink birds in my home? I can take a joke like the rest of ’em, and, trust me, I’m wise enough to know this evil plastic duck is a fake, but what the hell is he all smugly grinnin’ about? Would it be the fact that he’s aware that smiling ducks are just as comedic with a head than without? I think I’ve proved my point, let’s move on.

 

Cell Phone Promotion Mailer

I see the other self-involved dog owners chattin’ it up on their fancy cell phones while walking my four-legged neighborhood friends. I can hear them now, “Oh, my GOD, you wouldn’t believe what Suzy told Trisha on the El last night,” or “I’ll meet you up at Wrigley after the game,” or “Gross! I just stepped in dog sh*t!” Maybe if you spent a little less “you” time and more “us” time on your walks you wouldn’t be scrapin’ your priceless Jimmy Choo on the curb. All junk mail that comes into my home that has a telephone photographed on it gets consumed; it’s as simple as that. This way my owner doesn’t get any wise ideas about what’s important in our time together. So, twice a day when my owner and I go for our long walks, we have one thing in common that isn’t shared by anyone else: unaltered companionship. Hammy, but true.

 

Actual Stuffed Baby Alligator

What the hell is this? I know all of the animals: dogs, cats, birds and Licorice Pete the black squirrel that lives in our tree. This one doesn’t look or smell like any of them and, jeez, it’s the slowest damn thing I’ve ever confronted. For everyone’s sake, I’m taking the high road and bringing the animal kingdom back to four, where it belongs.

 

Leather Gloves

It’s 3 degrees outside and the city sidewalks are covered with ice. Do you see me angling in on wearing any little weirdo dog boots? Hell No! Trust me; if I can take this damn Chicago weather so can you.

 

Leather Gloves – Year 2

Another winter, the same story…

 

Plastic Wine Cork

Hmm, I detect a nice bouquet of blackberries and plum, with an earthy finish.who am I kidding? If I cared about taste this web page would be all of two sentences.

 

Bandana

I don’t care that everyone is in a great, festive mood on the 4th of July. I’m not going down to the parade wearing this thing around my neck, and, no matter how you look at it, anything made out of cotton is considered clothing. You might as well put a sign on my head that says “Hey, normal dogs, look at me I’m a putz with a scarf.”

 

Baseball Hat

These go almost as fast as tube socks in my home. If I had a nickel for every one of these I’ve terminated over the years I’d have 35 cents. No joke.

 

Weight Glove

Was this yours? Again.soft, small and smelly. I’m guessing toy. Next time give me a heads up on these things.

 

Mallard Duck

Just winged one down at the pond at the Lincoln Park Zoo, wish me luck tomorrow morning. I’ll keep you posted.

 

Bird Dog Bay Necktie

Oh Boy, It’s been a great few months. More and more of these things have been showing up in our studio. Different colors and themes, some with taunting evil birds, and every one of them have a picture of me on the back — “personalized Gus chew toys”. I’ll tell you, my owner is all right by me, I’m looking forward to destroying as many of these as possible.maybe starting right now.